Dear diary
I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt you leaped up off the page and formed into a handsome pale man with my beautiful words upon your torso and we embraced.
The words got smudged and the ink ran down from your body to mine. I looked down to see your penis was a giant pen and ink dripped from the end and made a mess of my lovely rug.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Diary Entry 4
Dear diary
I am finally imagining you as a real person. You are very pale, starting as a blank canvas. I am the tattooist inking out ever more words upon your pale shapeless body. If I could think of anything to write that is.
I made a little poem for you.
Dear diary if you swap the i and a round
It would spell dairy
Dear diary you're lovely pale and smooth
And not hairy.
Dear diary you're always there to listen unlike real people
Who I find scary
Dear diary if you could speak do you think
You'd sound like Julian Clarey?
It took me hours to think up, I hope you like it.
Today I went to see my counsellor, I told her I had a new friend in my life and that my new friend was a much better listener than she was. I think she felt a bit insulted but she said it was good that I'd made a new friend and it she felt I was making steps in a positive direction.
I am finally imagining you as a real person. You are very pale, starting as a blank canvas. I am the tattooist inking out ever more words upon your pale shapeless body. If I could think of anything to write that is.
I made a little poem for you.
Dear diary if you swap the i and a round
It would spell dairy
Dear diary you're lovely pale and smooth
And not hairy.
Dear diary you're always there to listen unlike real people
Who I find scary
Dear diary if you could speak do you think
You'd sound like Julian Clarey?
It took me hours to think up, I hope you like it.
Today I went to see my counsellor, I told her I had a new friend in my life and that my new friend was a much better listener than she was. I think she felt a bit insulted but she said it was good that I'd made a new friend and it she felt I was making steps in a positive direction.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Diary Entry 3
Dear diary
I feel much better today and I hope the unity continues, for at least until my appointment with the psychiatrist. I've come to the realisation that I've began to regard you as a real person as I have no friends. You will never hurt me will you? You fat smelly slag, the only reason you haven't got any friends is because you smell. Your teeth are rotting out your head. You are a total nutter and scare people away with your insane rantings about sleeping with Johnathan Ross. Everyone knows it's a fantasy. You couldn't even get that acne faced nerd at the mental health drop in centre to like you. I suggest you go to the dentist and have a bath.
But washing is a consumer conspiracy to sell tons of soap and beauty products. Besides I'm allergic to soap. I'll rub organic lemon juice all over my skin instead with a rag on a stick.
I feel much better today and I hope the unity continues, for at least until my appointment with the psychiatrist. I've come to the realisation that I've began to regard you as a real person as I have no friends. You will never hurt me will you? You fat smelly slag, the only reason you haven't got any friends is because you smell. Your teeth are rotting out your head. You are a total nutter and scare people away with your insane rantings about sleeping with Johnathan Ross. Everyone knows it's a fantasy. You couldn't even get that acne faced nerd at the mental health drop in centre to like you. I suggest you go to the dentist and have a bath.
But washing is a consumer conspiracy to sell tons of soap and beauty products. Besides I'm allergic to soap. I'll rub organic lemon juice all over my skin instead with a rag on a stick.
Saturday, 31 January 2009
Diary Entry 2
Dear diary
Today my body has been leaning to the right side. I have fallen over several times. I have lost all sense of co-ordination and stuck a spoon in my eye, and poured soup over my cat. So I had to lick my cat for lunch, and I now have fur balls.
Later in the day the right side of my body went limp and I ended up walking round in circles. I now realise that both sides of my brain need to work together to create a state of harmony, and a body that works. So it seem the right sides argument of reason has fallen down. So I will be reinstating the left side of my brain but the right side can make all the big decisions. Stop laughing at me subconscious, I don't believe in you. You're just a made up by men in white coats who are filling in blanks on crosswords with whatever fits, to justify their existence. You better stop laughing or I'll send the empathy police.
Today my body has been leaning to the right side. I have fallen over several times. I have lost all sense of co-ordination and stuck a spoon in my eye, and poured soup over my cat. So I had to lick my cat for lunch, and I now have fur balls.
Later in the day the right side of my body went limp and I ended up walking round in circles. I now realise that both sides of my brain need to work together to create a state of harmony, and a body that works. So it seem the right sides argument of reason has fallen down. So I will be reinstating the left side of my brain but the right side can make all the big decisions. Stop laughing at me subconscious, I don't believe in you. You're just a made up by men in white coats who are filling in blanks on crosswords with whatever fits, to justify their existence. You better stop laughing or I'll send the empathy police.
Friday, 30 January 2009
Diary Entry 1
Dear diary
Why am I addressing you as a real person? I must be insane. Maybe little men will leap up off the page and start up a discussion about my sanity. Then maybe get into a heated debate about which side of my brain is controlling my mental state. It would be like a session in the house of commons, with the right side pitted against the left side. I would be the speaker.
Hang on a minute this is my sanity we are talking about here, why can't we all work together instead of pulling in different directions as I am severely worried about my synapses snapping. The last thing I need is a split brain, the shouting has already given me a headache. The right side seems to be the side of reason. They suggested taking total control of the left side.
Why am I addressing you as a real person? I must be insane. Maybe little men will leap up off the page and start up a discussion about my sanity. Then maybe get into a heated debate about which side of my brain is controlling my mental state. It would be like a session in the house of commons, with the right side pitted against the left side. I would be the speaker.
Hang on a minute this is my sanity we are talking about here, why can't we all work together instead of pulling in different directions as I am severely worried about my synapses snapping. The last thing I need is a split brain, the shouting has already given me a headache. The right side seems to be the side of reason. They suggested taking total control of the left side.
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